Hell's Bedroom

Some Good Advice

2009-09-21T22:23:00.004+08:00

a friend of mine said that if blogging is my outlet, i should keep at it. it's not a bad idea, really. i almost gave up on blogging because i thought it was a complete waste of time and energy. but it's actually pretty liberating.

anthony robbins said that, "if your life is worth living, it's worth recording". things happen to us everyday that we simply don't remember a few months down the track, let alone remember for years to come! but really, everyone should keep a journal. i know a lot of people out there who don't, but there really isn't a down side that is significant enough that should keep one from reliving one's life through the recording of it. so here i am, in my pajamas, on a monday night, typing away. what do we record of our lives?

i don't want to remember how i caught the flu and had to stay home for a week because the doctor thought it might be of the piggy persuasion. i can go without remembering how tiring it is to try and do a few simple things while you're feeling like absolutely crap. and i hardly want to remember looking into the mirror after having slept for 14 hours straight and discover that i still hadn't managed to completely remove my eye makeup from the day before when i was at work! but here are some things i do want to remember:

my husband was home with me, since the doc thinks that it is more than likely that he would have contracted swine flu from me (if it indeed was swine flu). so we actually stayed home together and took care of each other, which was lovely.

our dog, curlie, was most sympathetic to our condition and did not complain as much as she could have when we couldn't really find the energy to play with her.... although she did get lots of rubs and treats as compensation, and we let her run wild out in the yard every other hour (it was raining and muddy so we have been keeping her indoors).

i made chicken soup and my soup-hating hubby actually asked for some and enjoyed it. wow.

i spent most of my time huddling under the covers to keep warm, but always had a book handy and caught up on my reading.

i learned that in the middle east, people raised pigeons specifically to be eaten, and that it tastes heavenly when stuffed with coucous and red dates. and now siv and i have made it our gastronomical goal to consume the delicious roasted winged rat. thanks anthony bourdain.

i have had more time off this week than i've had in the last 9 months. it was fabulous even if it meant i spent most of it sleeping.

i rediscovered my inner glamor queen on my last day home and put on some of my expensive makeup to make myself feel better after looking and feeling ill for the last week. it was a 24-karat glamor moment (pic attached).

i had a little bit of fun towards the end :). i like that.

welcome back!

2009-08-06T22:02:00.000+08:00

i started this blog 3 years ago, and i'm only just returning to it now. since my last entry in 2006, i have gone through the following changes:

- i'm 27 going on 28 this year
- siv and i got married in perth, but have yet to have gone through the wedding rituals in malaysia
- i have been a receptionist/junior administrative assistant to a local fashion company in fremantle, and am now working in sales (catering specifically to retailers and let me tell you, it's hard selling to a sales person!)
- we have bought a house
- we had to give up our cat
- we decided we couldn't live without a pet and brought home a puppy... she's a retriever, now nearly a year old and is a 70lb lovable pain-in-the-caboose
- i have decided i never wanna work for someone else ever again... so i'm looking for ways to make my millions
- i have not been at all tempted to go club-hopping or boozing in the last 2 years at least
- i have rediscovered my reluctant dependency on optical support (ie. dorky glasses)
- my cooking has improved. my loved ones no longer have to test a portion of my home-cooked meals on a poor unsuspecting sucker from off the streets ("come, my pretty... have a bite, just a bite of this... um... chicken..?")
- can't think of anything else, which probably means that my brain has aged about 20 years since... i can't remember when

alright, i hope you've been updated and have found these factoids rather amusing. i will work on changing my blogger format, so hopefully by the time you read this, it will NOT be some background of a sunset on the beach. ciao ppl.

Marriage Looming in the Horizon

2006-11-11T18:22:00.000+08:00

okay okay, so i've been a tad slack in my online journaling.. but hey, a girl's gotta work albeit it be school-work. anyway, we have set a date to get married legally. don't worry your little heads off, the wedding won't be for a while so there's still time to get organized and save up for a trip to malaysia, if you were indeed planning on coming. but as for the paperwork, we're doing it on december 6th at the registry... and it's a bit scary to be honest.

i find comfort in being the eternal child; but as the wrinkles get deeper, your boobs get droopier, and you start noticing the grey hairs popping up out of no where, you can't help but think "maybe i should start acting my age". but what is 25 anyway? more responbilities, greater pressure to move up the corporate ladder, your biological clock starts ticking a bit louder, increased number of frantic calls from your relatives asking you when you're start the next generation of obsessive-compulsive stress bunnies, aka mini-me's (my mom's not quite so anxious about being a grandma just yet, hence my relatives are picking up the slack).

how the hell do women prepare to be wives and mothers anyway, especially with the added drive to become successful career-driven vixens or yummy-mummys whose opinions and ideas the world could take seriously? there are no manuals as to how to deal with the transition from single-and-happening to married-and-grownup. that's what it feels like... when you get married, you grow up. it's time to take hold of the reins and go go go. time to get serious with your career, consider buying a house/property, make babies, and deal with 5-day-week pilates sessions, anit-cellulite diets, eyebag creams, and anti-ageing formulae. instead of showing off, you have to cover up. gone are the days of slinky bias-cut dresses and powder-press compacts, of funky nail colors and g-strings, of clubbing and impressive tolerance for alcohol.

you know what, it doesn't have to be that way. who the hell made those rules huh? i'm turning 25, not 52. i'm gonna have my cake and eat it too.... i will be happily married and still be young and fun. i don't have to wear control-top underwear or orthopedic flats, i don't have to care if my co-workers think i'm juvenille for wearing electric-blue nailpolish to work (in fact, it might not be so bad considering i'm gonna end up in the fashion biz, but it might not be so fashionable to wear electric-blue nailpolish this season). my mom's in her late forties and SHE'S still young, fun and "hot" (i quote one of my guy friends from high school), so who's to say i have to be old and frumpy just because i'm getting married? while i know some women who think they can let themselves go once they get married, i say it's important now more than ever to keep fit, look sexy, and have fun with your life together. we can't allow ourselves to fall into a rut just when life is getting interesting. god knows marriage won't be all smooth-sailing, but it's a new chapter in the cliched book of life... so it's up to you how you wanna write it. it's up to me how it want it written.

Blurry-Eyed Blog

2006-09-28T17:43:00.000+08:00

dear blog, it's been... god knows how long since my last blog. things haven't been the greatest, though i shouldn't complain (i do anyway). i have roughly 7 more weeks left of my course (official in-class weeks), but the end looks very unattainable.

see, that's my problem right there (and men don't think we solve our problems by "aimlessly ranting". bah!). i look too far into the future and don't focus on the present or even enjoy it, and that's hurting me. grass is greener on the other side i suppose... i'm not really thankful for what i do have... i have time off during weekdays, i don't have to wake up at 6:30am five days a week (two out of five 6:30 mornings is ok), and i haven't had to deal with obnoxious colleagues or mightier-than-thou bosses (although i've had the odd job here and there with culinary perks... what can i say, i'm ruled by my stomach).

thing is, i never expected to still be finishing courses when i'm 24. most ppl my age have already had several jobs, saved some money, bought a car on their own, and maybe supporting the rest of the family monetarily. i feel like the poor slob cousin who leaches off parents and doens't have to worry too much about where my money is coming from. eew, mental picture of self as a leach... not very attractive.

The "M" Word

2006-08-15T10:01:00.000+08:00

Since my last entry, I’ve been on holiday to Melbourne and Sydney with my boyfriend. During our four days in Melbourne, he went from being my boyfriend to my fiance. He proposed, and I said yes :).

Since then, it's been an odd mix of emotions. On the one hand, I'm ecstatic to be marrying my long-time love... on the other, I'm incredibly freaked out by the notion of being a working woman, a wife, a sis/daughter-in-law, and possibly a mother in the future. No, I'm not pregnant. That's been the latest misconception of my situation lately so I feel inclined to clear myself of such a charge.

I was never the type of girl who dreamt of her wedding when she was a child. On the contrary, I dreaded the day I would ever have to plan my own. my very solid dream was for us to run away to Europe, get married, have our honeymoon, then turn up one day and tell my relatives, "guess what, I got hitched"... followed by a very painful tongue lashing, fire and brimstone and all.

See, it's not so easy growing up in an Asian family (albeit nontraditional as we are). Marriage is not just a celebration of the union of two individuals, of two souls... it is an opportunity for everyone to get decked out in their very finest in their attempt to out show everyone else in terms of wealth, class and "taste", and maybe have a brawl or two the night before the ceremony. Unfortunately, it always end up looking like a first-rate circus paid a visit but nobody laughed at the clowns. then there's the tea ceremony (Malaysian Chinese wedding; for all who are looking confused at this point), the blessings, the pre-wedding dinners, the all-night mahjong sessions, the smoking, the drunken upstarts, the other young women who wear the same color as the bride or wear BLACK (FYI: the traditional bride wears red, and black is just BAD at any Asian wedding!), and that annoying aunt who's trying to set you up with some nephew of hers (you’re related by marriage only, though that used to be different too). That’s not the scary part. The scary part is that you are only 15... And he's probably had a job, an ex-wife with five kids, and is going through his twisted version of a mid-life crisis.

The only happy memory I’ve ever had of a wedding such as the one I’ve described, were the red-packets filled with countless dollar bills. Hey, when you're eight, two ringgit goes a long way! you get an extra boost if you were the flower girl too... you get an extra five from each elder (ten from the bride and groom) for carrying the massive white train and flowers. If you're lucky, you might get a brief moment during which you might actually carry the ang-pows given to the bride and groom and feel how thick THOSE are (that's usually the mother-of-the-bride/groom's job, or maybe an aunt). Who knows, you might even be able to put black ink in your annoying aunt's tea and get away with it. You ARE the flower girl after all :).

Luckily for me, I might not have to suffer through such pre-marital trauma. See, my husband-to-be is Indian, and while it's generally the same thing (the pre-wedding dinners, the smoking, the booze and drunken upstarts), I won't have to go through it as a flower girl. I’m the bride, and this bride has a LOT to say about what's NOT gonna happen on her big day:

- There will be a limit to how much alcohol there will be at our house (his parents don't drink so needless to say there won't be any at their house),

- Everyone will NOT be pinching my cheeks telling me what a beautiful bride I make,

- I will NOT be wearing some gigantic white fluffy tent,

- my tea set (mom just bought it yesterday) is NOT some god-awful chili red, but set in beautiful Thai design in soft pink, black and gold,

- Since my mom and my future sis-in-law are buying my jewelry (and they know what I’m like), I will NOT be displaying horrific rented costume jewelry that is caked with moldy make-up and the genetic leftovers of other brides from the last 20-odd years,

- That annoying aunt who tried to set me up with that “well-established” nephew of hers will NOT be there, and neither will the nephew,

- If that aunt and/or nephew do turn up, I WILL put ink in their teas and get away with it,

- Smoking will NOT occur inside the house,

- I’m booking myself into a hotel to get a good night’s sleep, AWAY from the mah-jong ruckus,

- I’m doing my own make-up,

- We’re NOT serving genuine sharks-fin soup at the reception

- There will be NO karaoke-ing at any point during the reception

- I’m not having a “bachalorette party”, it will be a “bridal shower”,

- We will NOT be inviting 1500 people to the reception,

- My brothers (or anyone for that matter) will NOT try to drink my husband-to-be under the table the night before the wedding,

- There are other things I would add to my list, but I can’t think of them right now.

So there, that’s all the “conditions” I want to put forth to everyone involved in the planning. It’s not hard, just please don’t screw up one of the biggest moments of my life…. No pressure.

What A Woman Wants

2006-06-02T17:09:00.000+08:00

that's the age-old mystery, isn't it... what do women want? i don't know about the others, but i can certainly tell you this: i don't always know.

at some point in my life, i remembered wanting to be an artist... until i found out that most of them don't get anywhere until they're dead like monet and picasso and van gogh. then i remembered that i'd recently thought i'd end up a evangelical missionary, living my life traveling and spreading the word whever god told me... problem with that was that i never really listened too well. oh, and what about that time i wanted to join the military and study post-traumatic syndrome and help dozens of sufferers lead normal lives... that was a seriously glorified dream wasn't it since i feel like i need my own personal shrink 24/7. see, i wanted different things at different points in my life... all those dreams of being someone special, someone who could make a difference in the world and leave a legacy for my future children and grandchildren (until i decided that i wasn't sure if i wanted those either). when really, they don't really matter to me anymore.

i don't care if i ever have any paintings hanging on the walls of the lourve, or if i win the nobel peace prize when i cured rageaholism all over the world, or if a whole nation was saved from spiritual condemnation because i became a charismatic tv-preacher who converted millions. all i really want... is a little peace in my life. all i want is simplicity, an uncomplicated existence during which i'm loved, cared for and about as i would care for others, simple child-like trust between me and those i hold close. a little peace, that's all i want. i don't care for a great career, or a mansion with the electronic trimmings, or recognition, or an inspiring legacy for future generations to look up to, or even a lot time on earth... all i want... in my life right now... is peace. i don't want to think about what i'm gonna do in the next few years in terms of careers, jobs, money, and life in general... i just wanna live each day as it comes, appreciate all the precious minutes that i do have instead of worrying about my diet and my health. i'll do what i have to do to survive, but at least let me live... if only just a little.

How Much Longer?

2006-04-17T19:44:00.000+08:00

sometimes it really pains me to think that i'm hurting those i love by hanging onto my past. i don't mean to. i just kinda allowed myself to obsess about it and i couldn't stop obsessing. i keep thinking back to my high school days and i analyze it to death... how i did, what i did, whom with, when, why, and how good/bad it made me feel. i just couldn't stop. i couldn't let go and "grow up". i'm like peter pan... wanting to stay a child forever, without responsibilities, without fear, without the nightmares.

but we can't be peter, not for very long. i'm pushing 25 and i have to get my life together. i have to salvage whatever's left my relationship and move on up. he's right... i tend to think and behave like a child. i still feel like i need that extra special consideration cuz i'm "emotionally stunted". when i saw my highschool roommate, i loved it... it was as if we never graduated and left school (except when we talked about what we'd been doing since then). we did all the things we used to do, we felt like kids again. the kids who tried to be adults aren't trying anymore... we ARE adults. we just don't wanna be. despite all the cultural knowledge and experiences we've gained, didn't do anything for our emotional growth. we just kinda skipped highschool and went on to taking responsibilities for ourselves and those we love... and now... we've slipped backwards. we missed out, and we want it now. but we can't have it, that's the tragedy. if we were to be children, be teenagers, when we're really supposed to have degrees, jobs, careers, that special someone, taxes, mortgages, quarter-life crises and the like... we'll fall behind, again. the world won't wait for us to have our time just pretending to be teens, they'll wonder what the hell is wrong with us, and demand that we get with the program. so how do we cope? how do we cope with having lost a part of that natural growth stage?

if anyone's got a good answer... and i mean, it's gotta be REAL good... i'd love to hear it. because as of now, i have to get with the program, and it's killing me to do so.

A Child I Am

2006-03-09T12:55:00.000+08:00

there are times when i may think that i'm an adult... but i don't really feel like one. i find myself hanging on to my family, to my old friends like my life depended on it. i find myself wishing i was a teenager again, never really growing up like the rest of the lifestock around me. some keep telling me that i don't really grow up until i've started working, until i've started to support myself and take full responsibility for myself and those who depend on me. who's to define an adult? who's to say i didn't grow up in some other way?

it's terrifying to "grow up", to be defined as a adult and having to start acting like one. i feel like i'm fighting to hang on to what's left of my childhood freedom... fighting to be close to my parents, to go out with my friends like we were in high-school, to be free of "adult responsibilities". i keep forgetting that i'm turning 25 this year...

i don't know why i'm constantly sad, depressed, despairing... i have to no real reason to be. it's not as if my life is a complete lost, completely empty. i have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot to be happy about. but life never seemed so... incomplete. my reminder is that my future starts here, in australia... but my heart breaks at the idea that i might have to stay longer than this last year. and i don't know if i could leave the love of my life behind if i left. i just don't know what to do anymore...

Home Sweet Home

2006-02-06T15:02:00.000+08:00

for the most part, the majority of teenagers can't wait for the time when they set out on their own... off to college, living life they way they think ought to be lived, and basically set themselves up for a major shock when their parents aren't there to clean up after they make a mess of things. as with all good things, that comes to a screeching halt when you suddenly realize that... you actually miss your family. and not just miss them because you don't smell mom's home-cooking in the evenings when you're, or you don't hear your dad telling your kid brother to leave you alone (and he actually does), or when your brother buys you an ice-cream when he's at the store getting something for himself. no. i mean seriously missing them just because they're not there, not because you no longer benefit from some of the things they do for you.

don't laugh. despite being a full-grown woman, i miss the smell of my mom's towels, my dad's travel stories when he's home at night, even my brothers' jokes and habits that i find annoying (like never remembering to close the cap on the toothpaste tube). i miss all that made us a family... now we're spread out over three different countries, and it makes it so hard to live life day to day. they are my support system, my blood-connection, the ones who are bound to love me no matter how screwed up i am. i know that, having said all that, i would go crazy if i lived under the same roof with them for too long, especially if my brothers are there. but it doesn't mean that i couldn't live somewhere close enough that, if i wanted to, i could get on a bus or small airplane and see them over the weekend. i stayed with my parents and younger brother for the last two months in bangkok, and i managed to have a lot of fun, conversations, and valuable insight. i felt so at peace and so comforted by the familiar smells of home, the routines, family quirks. it was safe and welcoming. i haven't had that for a long time.

Bangkok Bliss

2005-12-06T16:10:00.000+08:00

i'd forgotten how great it was to live in this city... all i need now is a steady income (preferrably in a strong foreign currency), my bf, my cat, and i'm set.

it's my second week back, and time feels like it's racing by and i'm trying to catch up though not succeeding. i've missed the food, the shopping, the culture, and the easy-going atmosphere of thailand. so far, i've seen a few of my old friends (wishing there were a few more in town, of course), gone to a hiphop club in bkk's oldest clubbing district, the RCA; and did a fun photoshoot with my mom at the mall :). it's been a blast and it's not nearly over!

there are plenty of things that would scare most ppl away, like the bird flu (which is non-existent), dirty streets (not a big deal), rats (you wuss), kidnappings (paranoia), theft (only if you're careless), etc. but i love it here. it is the ideal place for my retirement because of a few things this country possesses that ppl need to rememer : wonderful ppl, cheap shopping, great food, endless summers, beautiful unspoilt beaches and countryside, relaxed atmostphere, wondrous cultural experiences, and so on and so forth.

i guess what i'm really trying to say is that i wish i didn't have to leave it. i wish that there was something i could do right now that would let me do what i wanna do here, instead of overseas. it's a dream worth living.

Upside-Down World

2005-11-23T13:24:00.000+08:00

i live in a place where drug smugglers are made into heroes and martyrs by the media... where racist politicians are turned into dancing stars, and ecstacy-using models sent to trial in countries with little tolerance for drug possession will be receiving a media-princess's welcome when she gets home (that, and publicity for her career boom). it makes me sick to my stomach.

what is it about the media that people would respond in such a way? why can't people see the situation for what it is, that a person has knowingly violated laws put in place by governments in order to keep such people in jail and out of societies that cherish the concept of a peaceful and safe world? honestly, when they say, "its the users fault. if there weren't any demand, there wouldn't be any drug smugglers/dealers", i say "bullshit". i am watching hours upon hours worth of news telling us that they were only trying to help so-and-so out of financial debt, or that they're mere users and not dealers so that should be ok because it's not like they're hurting anyone else.... THEY ARE JUSTIFYING THE ACTIONS OF THESE PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY FEEL THEY'RE FROM A FAR MORE SUPERIOR NATION!

oh who cares about the laws of other countries, who cares about the little bitty governments in little far away nations... their laws don't apply to us, they shouldn't because we're bigger and far more superior. earth to tripple A-grade snobs: those countries are making more per capita than you are! they have fewer poor, better health care systems, more peace and order, they don't sue their own mothers, and they don't even pay as much tax! fact is, i would rather eat off their streets than yours!

you can hide behind your smug politicians who feel that these nations are setting a poor example for state punishment policies, nations that are "weakening" your political relationship because they wouldn't do what you told them to... but you, in the end, are the weaker one. you only do what you do because that's what the people require you to, because your a "strong" country. you increase income taxes to feed the needs of the voluntarily unemployed, punishing those who are actually working hard for their money, instead of making sure that those who choose to be unemployed do what they're supposed to do: hold a job and pay their own way. you feel that just because everyone should have equal rights that you would publicize the racist comments of a singular wannabe politician while trampling on the rights of others to live harmoniously with the rest of the community and minding their own damn business! what's worse, you're even making this racist barbarian into a celebrity!! you talk about freedom of beliefs, well what about those who believe that such people should shut up simply because others would get hurt as an indirect result of the words coming out of their racist traps! could you shut up with your excuses for one moment and consider the possibility that maybe some people do believe that when racist figures get media coverage, which makes them "important", it might trigger the response in such that they feel their own racist beliefs to be justified? they could be thinking, "oh here's someone who thinks like me... and look! they're on tv"! sometimes, believe it or not, people can be THAT ignorant.

people with media power influence the beliefs and actions of others whether you think so or not. when you say, "well those people are smart enough to judge for themselves", i say, "well some people are just not that smart or sane and their judgement could very well mean that the guy next door (who just happens to be of another color) gets his house (and his life with it) burnt down, himself deformed and disabled from being doused with gasoline and set on fire, his wife raped and beaten, and his children molested and terrorized, and all because some jackass said, "it's freedom of speech, we can't do anything". oh hell yes you can, you just won't because it's gonna effect your next election. you'll only do it if the majority of the nation says you need to because it's morally wrong. it's BEEN morally wrong, where have YOU been hibernating. don't talk about homosexuality when discussions of morale come up; talk about the simple fact that PEOPLE, whatever the color, race, sex, creed, or sexual orientation, deserve a chance for a peaceful life? a life where a woman can walk down a street without worrying that she would be raped because she's dressed in a kebaya and tudong... a life where a man can walk into a bar anywhere without a bunch of rednecks picking a fight with him because they think he's "weird" for wearing a turban... a life where children don't have to worry that the other kids would pick on them and hurt them because they bring noodles for lunch instead of sandwiches. like it or not, the world's getting smaller, and i don't believe we should be making any room for racism, discrimination, or political ego. grow up.

Memories Left Behind

2005-11-21T13:54:00.000+08:00

One would never think of writing a will at the age of 24, when life is still fresh and full of promises and potential. You never know what tomorrow might bring, so why not be prepared just it case tomorrow never comes. While most of us would perceive this view of uncertain and untimely death to be bleak (and it is) we should prepare ourselves for unexpected situations. It never hurt to prepare oneself for the inevitable: People start to die as soon as they are born; and some die a lot earlier than expected. But I'm not writing out my will today. Not today. I would write about what I would leave behind in character, what I would have those I love remember about me.

So what would I have people remember about me? I hesitate to say that I want them to remember me as I was when most of them last saw me. I would have my friends from childhood to high school to remember me right before we said our goodbyes and parted ways. Back then, I was different. I was carefree yet grounded. I strived for all things great yet was still able to enjoy the empty hours in the sun and among sisters and brothers. I sweated buckets at volleyball and basketball games yet still liked to do my makeup and my hair (as well as that of others). I drew and painted visual expressions of my heart and mind and still do when inspiration compels me. I keep journals that hold pages and pages of worry, heartache, hope, love, regret, and joy. I would also be remembered for my ability to love openly and freely, though perhaps not for my ability to harden my heart against pain and tragedy when in need to self-preservation.

Would they remember a young woman of discipline and determination? What of the girl who possessed a quiet darkness in her soul for all the things she knows and feels. Who would remember the woman who moved to the beat of her world, whose feet followed no single path but many in her search for elusive knowledge of herself and those around her? Would people know me for a rebel at heart, though adhering to rules of society as she must? Would the world be surprised that my soul is lost in its travels, that I have no solid direction for the things I mean to do with my life, if ever I figure that out?

I'm a simple soul. I don't seek to change the world or influence it in any great and earth-shattering way. I don't seek great riches or even great loves. I seek only to be in the embrace of those who love me for the person I am, to be cared for though I would never ask to be. The woman I've become would permit little show of weakness to anyone else apart from those in my circle. My soul is hard and untrusting, though my heart still hopes to open itself to the love of humanity. But my mind is wise in telling the rest of me that the world is not entirely safe, that there will be emotional pain and suffering when I would allow new people into my world for friendship, comfort, soul connecting… and perhaps the possibility of unconditional love.

People say that true friends are made when you're in college/university. I found that to be somewhat false. While I have made a few friends whom I could see myself calling upon in thirty years time, I believe my greatest and closest friends are those I've made in high-school. True, we were very naive and closed off to many other aspects of the real world… But when the real world started coming down on us, we found ourselves connecting through emails and similar experiences. We become closer though we communicated less. The one great thing that held us together was that, in our heart of souls, we know that somewhere else in the world was another person who would understand us… who would hold us in the highest regard no matter how low we feel we have sunk… who love us unconditionally and would embrace us with pure sisterly/brotherly care. They are those whom we could feel safe with, with whom we could be our silly selves. Image be damned, we would act like 2-yo's if we wanted to!

People tell me not to dwell on the past, that it is for your own personal growth to look to the future and live in the present. I believe that people who say that are those who feel that the present is better than the past, something I don't really see. Though there are aspects of my present life that I cherish (like my bf, graduating university, a higher form of independence, etc), I would still look back to my past and wonder why things can't be as simple as it were then? But then I would tell myself that it was because I didn't know any better back then. If I were to know then what I know now, I would guarantee my high-school years would’ve been different. I would’ve changed priorities, and enjoyed life a little more when I could eat almost anything I wanted and my metabolic rate would've been able to support it… when I was faster, braver, less calculative and took more risks… when there was no end to the summer sunshine and sparkling cool water and you could hold a tan till Christmas without worrying too much about premature ageing… when you loved birthdays instead of worrying what will droop next…when you didn’t have to worry about making solid decisions about career, marriage and family all too soon. What I wouldn’t give to be 18 again!

How much will people remember and WHAT would they remember about me? Was I forthcoming enough with my thoughts and feelings about life that loved ones would recall later on, that there would be no question as to my character? A person's possessions are worthless, but a person's name, a person's legacy… a person's life and the person him/herself, needs to be remembered.

Lifelong Study

2005-10-31T11:49:00.000+08:00

the original plan was for me to finish studying... for my high school diploma, for my degree (and i have), and finally to take a year's worth of fashion and textile design classes so that i can do what i wanna do by the time i'm 25. now comes the hard part... by doing only a year's worth of classes, i wouldn't be considered a professional in my field. to achieve this prestigeous level, i would have to complete another TWO years' worth of classes (makes me feel like i haven't gone to uni at all), in which case i wouldn't actually stop studying until i'm 27. in the mean time, i'm supposed to earn meager wages and depend on my parents for more substantial backing. who in the hell does all this!!!

what self-respecting 27-y.o. actually calls home to ask daddy for more allowance? for pete's sake, at that age i should have worked for a good number of years, quit a few bad job options, and have SOMETHING in my savings to get me through half a vacation in thailand. while most grads would've been earning their own since before they left high school, little ol' me is still trying to severe the metaphoric umbilical cord! even my younger brother is earning more than i!

while my family has substantially high hopes for me to expand my education, i'm sooooo sick of textbooks that i would love nothing more than to just say, "mom, dad... i quit". but i can't. they've put so much effort, time, hope and money into me that i'm just about to out-bloat the pilsbury dough boy if i haven't already done so. well hey, shit happens. looks like i'll be the oldest unemployed person in my family to date.

Losing Me

2005-10-29T16:51:00.000+08:00

some people may understand what it feels like to be without a complete sense of self... in fact, i'm willing to bet that most of us do. and when i say "without a complete sense of self", i don't merely refer to the feeling that you're not completely you, but rather a mixture of different "you's"adapted to fit into different situations, take that mix and put it into a mold and bake for a few years.

see, the main point of this analogy is that you've been that way for a long enough period of time that the essential bits and pieces that make you the individual that you are has long lost its proverbial flavor. you could be anything and everything, but no one can really say that it is a single or even a few flavors. you have evolved into a new kind of flavor, something that no one can put their finger on. they know it, but they don't.

i've been a new flavor for a long time... i thought i knew what flavors made up my being, but i don't... not really. some people may think that's wonderful, that it makes you an individual and indisputably unique... but i often wish i wasn't so "unique", because being unique sometimes makes you an outsider. you don't really fit into any other candy bowl. at least in most candy bowls, you can tell tell the difference between a lemon and a grape candy... but me, i'm not just a lemon or grape or even apple & blackberry... i'm WEIRD! i'm sour, sweet, bitter, tart, zesty, spicy, and all those other tasty adjectives that people use for food. the thing is, i'm not one flavor for very long if at all. it's hard to keep up sometimes, even for me. there are times when i'm completely open, fearless, tactful, and maybe even downright rude... other times i cower in the presence of my own shadow, worried and withdrawn to the point that the rest of the worldwouldn't know i existed if it weren't for my occasional whimpering. it's not easy being someone like me... it's borderline schizophrenia!

while people like me are dealing with day-to-day functions without breaking down into hopeless dispair at feeling so lost, others are unaware of our hell, being so preoccupied with their own. see, neither species can be helped. everyone has their own problems to deal with, solve or wallow in... often too busy or too distracted to notice that anyone else is there. everyone feels that they have problems that are unique or "huge"... but honestly, they're equally mundane and insignificant (i mean, for those of us who live in a country without a huge war going on in our back yards, abundant food and water, clothes on our backs and a cellphone in our hand... try telling a Cambodian orphan that HIS/HER problems are mundane and insignificant).
in all honesty, the point that i would drive at is that, no matter how screwed up we think we and/or our lives are, we should always focus on the fact that it's not all bad. if we can be thankful for one little thing today, instead of thinking how unfair it is that we didn't get that dress we wanted to get from the mall because they didn't have our size, or that promotion we've been working our asses off for, then the world could be happier than it is. i have to remind myself everyday that my life is NOT screwed up, that it's better than alright. i think we all should do that. be thankful for what we have, strive for whatever else we might want, but overall be satisfied that we're not living in a disease-infested slum in the middle of a country that's fighting a war that can only impoverish, disrupt social and economical growth, kill, and break the spirit of a nation or nations.

It's a TCK Thing

2005-10-17T22:15:00.000+08:00

the last post would be a bit mind-boggling for those who don't know what i'm talking about. it's kind of like a private joke gone sour really, between me and my high-school buddies.

for those of you who grew up (and by that, i mean growing up between the ages of 13 and 18, maybe even 21) in a country not the one stated by their passports, you'll know what i'm talking about. it's those crucial years you had to go through, finding out who you are and who you wanna strive to become, those years when your friends become your primary influential figures instead of your parents, and you think all adults are dull and painfully strict. well, i've got news for ya... not all of us had a "normal" teenage-hood.

see, a TCK is a "third culture kid". they're kids who grew up in a "foreign" country, for whatever reason, and eventually grew up to adopt that country as their own. it's all they know, and all the friends they made ARE family. they probably grew up with a different school system, with different social protocols and norms. they've probably seen things that kids "back home" would never see unless they were there themselves, and could scarcely imagine to be "normal". but what is normal? and who says that we HAVE to be normal? if i wanted to be normal to someone else's standards, i would probably have more friends. but i don't, because i am who i am, and i won't be confined to someone else's standards of normalcy in order to please someone. it's not worth my time, and those people are not worth forfeiting core values and beliefs, cuz sometimes that's what it takes.

who are these people to say "you're weird; i thought you were one of us"? but sadly, we're not a species made for isolation. we need people, and we need a certain degree of understanding or even just mere acceptance of the kind of people we are. but i urge TCK's not to give up what they know, not to change too much of who they've become as a result of growing up overseas. however, having said all that, we do need to let go. we need to let go of the fact that there will never be people such as those we knew back "home", that we will never be able to be the same exact person we were then and there. we need to grow. we need to thank those people for having made an impact and contribution in our lives, and we need to accept that we need to let go of that excruciating hope that we'll find that life again.

we're TCK's, we don't have a single home, we have many. we may have to adapt to different types of societies and norms in order to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings (or worse, jail time in some countries), but we don't have to give up those core values and beliefs. be true to the self that you know is there, don't be someone you're not. don't settle for superficial "friendships", find people who are willing to open their world up to you and for you to share yours with them. those who WANT to know you for who you are, for the experiences you've gone through, for the memories and stories that you've accumulated over the time you've been away. they are precious to you, and they ought to be appreciated, not scorned.

Saying Goodbye

2005-10-16T17:31:00.001+08:00

"Photograph" by Nickleback
Lyrics - All The Right Reasons

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey's head?

This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneakin' out

This is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must've done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it's too late
Should I go back and try to graduate
Life's better now than it was back then
If I was them, I wouldn't let me in

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say
It’s time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say It's time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin out
They say somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we’d know
We said someday we’d find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She’s had a couple of kids since then
I haven’t seen her since God knows when

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now

I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it
If I could relive those days

I know the one thing that would never change
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me

That Time of the Year

2005-08-23T09:32:00.000+08:00

it's coming to the end of the year and we all know what that means... it means that we'll be running around for the next month or so trying to do what we promised ourselves we'd do last year... it means an additional 5 minutes to your wrinkle-detection session in the bathroom while your partner (on the other side of the door, of course) is yelling that he's late for work for the five-hundreth time... it means that we've gotten older and, yet, none the wiser (another thing to add to your list of "to-dos")... it means that we have to come up with yet another string of new-year's resolutions to be tucked away for the next 364 days (and spend that last day trying to fulfill it).

maybe we should all try a different perspective on the new year's this time around. maybe instead of being a borderline-extreme pessimist, i'll just try and be a reasonably level-headed pessimist. i really don't like the new year's.... on new year's eve i tend to reflect on the sour events and embarrassing moments of the past year, so i don't forget that i'm supposed to have learnt something of value and take it with me to the next round of days, weeks and months. i'd rather not do that this time. i'd rather just say, "bygones" (fishiscm - ally mcbeal) and actually mean it. que sera sera, no?

it's not that i wasted my time pondering on the past, it's just that i'm tired of the past. the past haunts, the future is much more amiable since there's still time to change it. why allow yourself to wallow in what's been done? there are no what-ifs or maybes, there are only so-whats. so something bad happened, why waste more time thinking about why it was so bad and how it effected you emotionally and spiritually and how your therapist says that you just need to face the daemons of your childhood and then pay them $300 and hour to allow you to talk about yourself and how screwed up you are? why not save that time and $300 dollars, go buy yourself a hot new number and accessories to match and take your girls out for a "sex on the beach". it's not to say that bad things won't happen anymore, just that you'll still have that outfit and your good friends to cheer you up when it does. let it not be said that i'm a doomed pessimist, but rather that i am one who hopes for the best, yet can still drink to the worst. cheers!

A Hard Lesson Learnt

2005-08-02T17:07:00.000+08:00

there is a point in time when you find out who your true friends are, and find out who's just come along for the ride, not caring if he/she hurts anyone else in the meantime. in this life, it's important to pick and choose the people you associate yourself with. nothing is worse than having taken a chance on a "friend" only to end up feeling used and like a fool.

its not wise to judge a book by its cover, it seems. for all those people who seem nice, who seem sincere, who seem warm (at first) it takes some time before their true colors show, before they feel comfortable enough to take down that veil and show exactly how distorted and two-faced they are. by then, it's too late. you're caught - hook, line and sinker. on the other hand, there's the other type of friend, with whom you didn't really get along with at first because you believed them to be snipe, sarcastic and don't give a damn. but you end up falling in love with those people because, if anything, you know that they'll tell you straight to your face (and not behind your back) if you're being a jackass. a friend will give you the hard truth, while the toxic associates, using a friend's analogy, "line their words with arsenic". they'll sugar-coat their insults, and you'll end up wondering why it hurt so much... then it hits you: they're sly and devious little hell-raisers who would like nothing more than to put someone down just to make themselves feel more superior.

i've had my share of toxic friends. anyone who has, at any one point, back-stabbed me, for no other reason than to better their own situation or boost their own egos, have been unceramoniously dropped. i'm tired. you hear me? i'm tired of you people who have no sense of appreciation for the "nice guy"... who take for granted every decent friend you've ever had... who are selfish enough to pull one over a friend just so you get what you want out of a situation... and you don't give a rat's ass that you've hurt them. i hope you choke on your own metaphorical poison. i hope you'll one day realize - when you're old and no one wants to be around you, not even your dog - that you should've thought things over a little more and been a little more appreciative of the things people in the past have done for you and SHOWN it. but then it'll be too late, cuz you would've driven away those people who were kind and generous to you... you accepted you as you were and expected nothing but kindness and consideration in return. you make your own bed, and i hope you're very, VERY, uncomfortable in it.

Me In a Nutshell

2005-07-27T16:24:00.000+08:00

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.

You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.
A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Am I Normal?

2005-07-26T17:12:00.000+08:00

You Are 50% Normal

(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...

Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

Bottom of the Barrel

2005-07-26T15:39:00.000+08:00

when you're a senior in high school, you're at the top of food chain. that transition to a college freshman can be incredibly daunting, since a balance must be maintained and no one individual may stay on top for longer than that last awesome year of power and authority and absolute igorance (while maintaining a bonefide sense of worldliness) of the real world to come. then again, i would have to say that the experience was almost the same when it came time to leave college/university as a senior and enter... the working world.

i have no job as of now. my work title has gone from the distinguished "third-year uni student" (or, in the states, college senior) to unemployed bum, living off an allowance, waiting around for a work permit in a foreign host country. it's a very long wait, mind you... a whole month before i may actually qualify for a permanent working position with some creep employer who would no doubt work me to the bone and pay me in m&m's (probably two ounces an hour). we new graduates have all the fun, ain't that right ppl.

i have taken on the characteristic of a sloth: sleep all day under a comfy blanket, eat, watch the world go by with utter disinterest, then crawl under some other comfy abode and sleep some more. in my inactivity, it's amazing how i could still manage to injure myself (i bruised my foot this morning in my sleep; no recollection as to the answer to "how?"). now i have to HOBBLE to that next comfy abode, which indeed would tripple my efforts of being useless.

while it all sounds glamorous and riveting, it gets very old after a few hours of not doing anything. right now, i'm into my sixth hour. am i bored? abso-fucking-lutely. someone PLEASE gimme something to do besides housework!!!

Throwing The Books Out For Good!!

2005-06-21T16:04:00.000+08:00

it's almost here, i've almost made it... i'm almost done with my formal edu-macation!! hehe... i can't wait really... i'm supposed to be studying but i think i can take a few minutes of time out to express my state of ecstacy to the world.

however, it hasnt' completely kicked in. i'm not in any way forgetting that i still have to read my textbook and past exams to get through this semester. it seems like a lot of work for a piece of paper. i suppose when the world measures your worth by what they think you know, then i guess it's really not worth it at all. in any case, it makes me happy that i've made it, so that's really the cliche of the glass being half full.

no more nail bitting, no more hair-pulling, and that's on day one when i'm sitting in for orientation! the road is coming to an end, and i shall soon be deemed "intelligent". postgrads are always saying how lucky we are that we're still in school and don't have to worry about all the problems that come with being in the work force. well, i've got news for them... i DO deal with the problems that come with my bf being in the work force and I'M not! i deal with the financial anxiety, i deal with problems with his boss, i deal with the late nights and the early mornings, i deal with the pre-interview panic attacks.... I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN WORKING TOO! so see? it's not like i don't know what i'm in for after my last exam. i might just turn out ok since i had a front-seat view of all the shit that happens when you're working. i understand that i will be frustrated... but i also know that i have a way of leaving work-related baggage at work. if i do need to vent about my boss, i have very sympathetic girlfriends. if i have a work-related problems, i have a one-man support group when i get home... so see? i'm almost all covered. now comes the fun part of actually going for the interview... hmmm....

When Depression Takes Over

2005-04-22T10:59:00.000+08:00

what do you do when you wake up in the morning, only to feel that you haven't slept at all and don't care if you waste the rest of the day making up for it? what do you do when all your favorite things are in the fridge and pantry but nothing whets your appetite? what happens when no movie you watch, no music you listen to, no book you read moves you to smile? what happens when you stop calling home cuz you no longer feel like you have one?

depression is no stranger to me, nor are anti-depressants for that matter although i don't recommend them. it's hard to tell yourself that life's worth waking up to when nothing about life makes you wanna wake up at all. i don't like feeling depressed, i don't like the whole concept that your entire world fades into the background when negative emotions take over. sometimes i wonder about people who work or play too hard... do they do that to shut out any sad thoughts they might otherwise have to ponder upon? do they keep their schedules packed with work and all sorts of activities so that they don't have to figure out why they feel so blue when it starts to get quiet? maybe that's the way to handle it, maybe it's the best way to beat these negativities. to over-think your situation is to create an opportunity for depression to come creeping. you start to think that things are not how you want them to be, that someone else's life is more interesting than yours, that the mundane things you do everyday are worthless and you could be doing something else entirely that might make you feel alive.

i can understand why those who stay at home (regardless of reason) can feel sad sometimes when they have a minute or two to stop and think. when you do the same things over and over again, it can start to eat away at you. routine may not be your best friend afterall. when you start to wonder if that's all life is ever gonna mount up to, you have to wonder whether you should just break out and do something drastic like write to dr. phil about it. that's how it is isn't it... life gets very bad when you have to write to the hollywood psychiatrist.

people have different ways of coping with depression... some work harder, some eat more, others still drink more, and a minority probably simply ignore it altogether and pretend life is beautiful. i get obsessive over health and body image issues. it's not a bad thing... i feel better afterwards cuz i'm more fit to handle the world around me (not to mention the added bonus of being able to fit back into a size 6...). perhaps i need to incorporate other things to my self-obsessed plan, but all in all i'm fine as long as i'm not being self-destructive... right?

Final Destinations

2005-03-27T23:43:00.000+08:00

do we all have one path to travel, or do we have the option of branching out from that path or even take another one? how do we know which path to take? how do we make that choice? number of life-questions: infinite; number of answers: nil.

perhaps it's the mind that is manipulative and not the person in general. maybe the mind is a subconscious form of divine control that never fails to let loose some profound wisdom or logic (and the other) in order to make one rethink the choices to be made. either way, my mind's hurting at the moment. the throbbing on the left side of my posterior lobe is telling me i really should pop a couple of paracetamol tabs right this minute before i pass out from trying to fight it. must've been the two-hour mental war i had with my mind last night. i lost, by the way.

there are lots to do to keep me preoccupied, but ironically, those are the exact things that are keeping me from getting anything done. perhaps i'm looking too much into things, maybe i over-analyze, and maybe i should just tell my brain to shut its proverbial pie-hole and let me live free and happy in blissful ignorance. maybe i should've been born during the time of neanderthals, when things were as easy as gather food, shelther self, propagate, and avoid being dragged by the hair by some overbearing ape. who cares about careers, taxes, painful relationships, obeying the law, the future... the thing is, when a person has had their most basic needs met, they tend to complicate their own lives by thinking more so, than if they were struggling to make ends meat.

maybe i'm too free... maybe i've had it so good that i just don't know what else to do with myself. there's the red light flashing in the back of my mind, warning me that things could be worse, that i could put myself in a position where there's no one to turn to and no one to help me... then i would start feeling grateful for all the things and people i have in my life. it's easter weekend afterall, supposed to be thankful for the son of god rising from the dead to give the world life, hope and salvation. it's supposed to bring a little peace to the heart and soul... "supposed" to.

note to self: must keep life clutter free and simple. don't overthink things.

Shakespeare's Dilemma

2005-02-25T10:08:00.000+08:00

"to work, or not to work", that's the question for the week. there's the glaring fact that i have to pass this semester or i might never end up getting my degree, and then there's the desire to put myself to the test and push my limits. however, if in pushing my limits i fail my primary goal (passing)... well, who knows what my parents will do to me.

for the most part of my life, i've had bad timing. staying true to my nature, i've chosen my final semester of uni to begin testing my mental and emotional boundaries, which, every sane person knows, is not something you should be doing when you're four months away from graduating. the whole concept of boundary testing during your first year is so that, if you were to blunder it all up, you still have the next two or three years to fix it. i don't have that luxury and yet the temptation of having money in my pocket (as well as containers full of beautifully prepared indian meals NOT out of a bottle) at the end of each week is so... irresistable. i know that once school's out, i'll have the rest of my life to be tied to that proverbial desk, so why i'm so bent on working during my final semester is beyond even my own probably incomprehensive self.

while i'm pondering the great mysteries of my cluttered mind, my feline pet is happily rolling around on the bed trying to find the perfect position to take her sixth nap this morning. she is completely unaware of how disturbing that contrast is to me, her still loving but vengeful owner. how i wish life was that easy... to be fed, pampered, doted upon, belly-rubbed, and relaxed for all of your life... sounds boring now, but once adult life sets in most of us would be wishing we were living her "uneventful" life... at least for a little while.

with the burden of possessing human intelligence and acute awareness of the world of me, i find it tiresome to think so much of the consequences for every little mistake i might make. while i may argue that people who live a safe life may not have lived at all, i can still drop back onto earth with the rebuttal that my almost-got university degree is not something to be gambled with simply because i have the sudden urge to see how far deep a whole i can dig myself before i have to scramble up for air or out of chlostrophobia. what of the possibility of a compromise? if i find that i'm going out of my mind trying to find time to study while making a meager wage of $150 for a three day shift, then i shall explain to my kind employer that, while i'm thoroughly enjoying my part-time working life, i have to consider my full-time study life and therefore have to regretably drop off his pay list. in layman's term: if i screw it up the first month, i'll quit.

The Last Mile

2005-02-23T12:14:00.000+08:00

my final semester and what am i doing? i'm panicking. it's not so much the anticipation of finishing my course, but rather the anticipation that i have a very slight chance NOT finishing it. that sort of thinking could put anyone's mood down.

i know what i have to do, but can i actually do it? there's that old cliche that you can do anything you put your mind to... well, i'd put my mind on passing everything, but life just has a way of boxing me into a turn i didn't wanna take. i'm not blaming life or the cosmos or even "god", i'm just saying that things have a way of NOT working out somehow. i'm disappointed of course, who wouldn't be?

i really should be doing work right now, even if it's the first week of the semester and i'm not supposed to have too much work to do... but believe it or not, some lecturers/profs have a way of ruining that last week of nominal freedom for the wayward student.

i'm 23 and still studying, and i'm blogging online to a bunch of people i might not know. but that's ok. i hold on to the reassuring thought that maybe some of the things i blog about might help someone think through his/her own life. it's a farfetched hope, but i'm thick-skinned when i wanna be.

My Lucky Stars

2005-01-01T22:31:00.000+08:00

sometimes we forget how fortunate we are... we have a safe home to live in, people who love us, food to eat, clothes to wear, and money to buy the things we desire. we gripe instead about how unfair it was that we didn't get what we wanted for christmas, or that we didn't get to take that vacation we'd been planning for. well, for once in my life, i'm thankful i didn't get to take that vacation.

my family had been planning to go to phuket for the christmas vacation, and we would've been there the morning the tsunami hit the coastline. my family of five, plus a friend who would've gone with us, would've been swept away along with the unfortunate local thais and tourists there dead or missing. despite all efforts, i haven't been able to get that thought out of my mind since the morning we watch the news on tv. who would've known? i haven't told many people about the supposed trip to phuket... we could've gone missing and not many people would've known, especially friends from ics. but that's not what's really bugging me... i'm bugged that if we had all been there, i would've lost someone. i know i could've lost my mom, since she's the one who can't swim. on the other hand, who could've known? maybe it could've been my dad, despite being the strongest swimmer in the family. if i would've survived, i don't know what i would've done. on the other hand, i could've been the one swept away and never return to my family.

would they have known how much i didn't wanna leave? would they have known that i've tried my best to be the daughter they can be proud of? would they have known that i would've done everything to see them again? would they have known me now? i can't answer all of those.

My Cat and Me

2004-11-16T22:17:00.000+08:00

i woke up today, and i really didn't want to. don't know why, but i didn't. it didn't seem right to get up and start my day. i felt tired, disillusioned. i wanted to huddle under my blanket and just block out the badness of the world... but i got up anyway. the hours seemed to fly right by, with lunch, work, tv, more work, dinner... oh, and a two-hour nap i took on top of pain-killers (had a headache. opened my eyes and couldn't tell the ceiling from the floor). it makes things worse when your pet just looks at you like you're an idiot, and then she takes a nice big stretch and gets comfortable on your bean-bag/ottoman.

i look at my cat, and i think it must be blissful not to know that there's more to life than sleep, eat, play, lick yourself, and the occasional treat (hey, someone's gotta watch her figure for her). i mean, cat's that have good parents are lucky, they get the "best" things in life and are none the wiser. plus, she shed all her winter pounds in a week. what sane woman wouldn't wanna be able to do that??? i haven't even been able to shed my winter weight from my LAST winter!

i wonder if i'm the only one who wishes that she was a simple animal, with humans to take care of her and no responsibilities and cares in the world... i wonder...

Pretenders

2004-11-12T09:50:00.000+08:00

ever had one of those people who seem very nice upfront, but later you found out that they didn't really think what they said? i have. it wasn't very pleansant, i can tell you. but either way, i chose to ignore it and maintained a civilized environment... until she used my name in vain.

it wouldn't have been bad at all, her blogging her frozen little heart away over something casually mentioned in a conversation, except she used my name in her little illustration of the conversation and made it seemed like i was a bad guy in her little story. basically, i was a flakey drunkard who pitied other people who don't seem to find it as "exhilirating" to be blind from intoxication at parties and clubs. it did not sit well with me. if you wanna complain over the things i've said, you can use the bloody material, but don't bloody use my name. whereas i don't really care if her friends think i'm a horrible person for having said what she said i said, i care if my friends (who happen to read the same story) start to question my integrity, mistrust me and feel i've betrayed them somehow, even if i haven't. i'm not the one who thought she was going behind my back with backstabbing comments, someone else had told me she was. if they didn't think that, i wouldn't care, even then. she doesn't have to explain anything to me, but when it comes to seeing my name in print, on screen, on the global network for all the world (with people i know living in it) to see, then it becomes my problem.

while she doesn't have to contend with her character being questioned, i do. i don't appreciate being set up like that to be hounded with "did you really say that?", "why did you say that to her?", or "don't you feel just a little bit bad?". thankfully, i do have some rather understanding friends in my circle...

Thou Shalt not Judge

2004-11-10T23:06:00.000+08:00

there are a few things that i have overlooked in my life, but if there is one thing that really gets my goat (ridiculous cliche i assure you), is when people judge what (and people) they don't know. ready to throw the baby out with the bathwater aren't we.

i've had it. i've had supposedly nice people who are pretentious around me, and then show their true colors later. i've had them civilized and even friendly when they're talking to me, only to go onto their online journals and bitch about what they didn't even bother to find out. the latest one was regarding my perceived penchant for "imbibing copious amounts of alcohol" and my apparent distaste for people who do not drink, whether by choice or some other reasons like, say allergies. don't judge people before you get to know them, and if you had a problem with me or what i said, come out and tell me. if you don't allow people to explain what they said, how would you know how to react? obviously, i don't "imbibe" (can't you just say "to drink"?) in "copious" (how about "large amounts"?) of alcohol, and i don't get drunk unless i'm in a safe environment, which obviously rules out night clubs. and might I remind you that despite what you think, the success of a club is not based on what kind of people go there, it’s based on what kind of people DON’T. i for one am glad that I go to clubs without the “class” and “status”. the people you think are party animals? i wouldn't poke them with a 10-foot branding-iron. oh yes, since when do the true party people go to clubs for the people? it's called a party for a reason, and being with a bunch of pretentious stuffy-nosed "elitists" is no party.

i will leave you with one comment: you were nice when you didn't open your mouth. that “mat” comment was uncalled for.

Shrinks

2004-11-04T12:20:00.000+08:00

when people think about psychologists, they think "nerd", "busy-body", and "a load of crap". why? how is it that we become so afraid that someone else is gonna find out things about us that we label these doctors who spend time thinking about things we should be thinking for ourselves? it's a psychological defense isn't it? we're so freaked out about someone else possibly knowing our personalities better than we do, that we just simply laugh at the thought of seeking out a psychologist to help guide us through life with a better understanding of why we are the way we are. not me.

i thrive on psychology. i'm ALWAYS thinking about why i act the way i do. when yo have a problem, you have to first identify what it is before you can fix it. it's like auto-mechanics: your car breaks down, but why? how can you say that the battery needs replacing when you don't even know what's wrong with the car in the first place? i mean, com'on! don't you know why you act in a certain and stop it? if you know what's wrong, then you can stop it before you act up.

people ask me why i watch dr.phil... why i would waste my time with a bunch of crap, with people like that who tell you things you already know and charge you money for it? i'm telling you, if people would take the courses that they do to get their PhD's, then we wouldn't need them at all. but we don't! we DON'T think for ourselves what psychologists think for us, we simply get so caught up with other aspects of our lives that we forget that we need to get caught up with us first. it's always the question how can you take care of everyone else, when you can't even take care of yourself? how can you take care of yourself when you haven't gotten to know yourself? i know i avoid knowing myself because of the fear of what i might find out. what if i find out that i'm not the person i thought i always have been? it's a security measure. we hang on to what we think we're like as tightly as we would a security blanket, and we refuse to let ourselves belief that maybe we're wrong about ourselves... maybe we're not as scared as we thought we were, or as stupid as we lead ourselves to believe, or as talentless as everyone says we are. why won't people take a chance to find out if all those negative things we believe ourselves to be may be false?

don't we wanna be true to ourselves? don't we want to live a life that's wonderfully full and rich and vibrant and happy instead of dispairing, fruitless, in black and white, and dull? i don't...

Major Headaches!

2004-10-30T00:16:00.000+08:00

wow, two blogs in a day... must be some kind of record, huh... but yeah...

there are days when you chide yourself for thinking too much about... well, yourself. and then there're days when you absolutely feel like everything IS about you. Your cat chews scratches up the furniture, it's your fault; the mail got lost, it's your fault; your assignments aren't done, it's your fault; your health is failing, it's your fault; blah blah blah, it's YOUR fault! sheesh!!! i have a huge headache, and it's absolutely my own damn fault. i took on a project that was simple, but is taking me a lot of effort to complete. i am having... the absolute WORSE... creative breakdown in art history. i CAN'T draw! my eyes are burning, my fingers are cramped, and my head feels like a melon that hit the ground from twenty feet up. it is an absolute DISASTER!!!

granted, i don't really need to pass this class... but lets face it, it's been paid for. so if i don't pass the class, it's two grand down the drain! it's bloody expensive to be a student these days, especially if you're an international.

i should actually feel good about myself tonight... i should. i did one good thing for me today... i had a huge salad for dinner, two corn on cob, and an itty bitty bit of roasted potato. PLUS, rockmelon for desert. doesn't that sound yummy? i should feel good, but right now, all i wanna do is crawl under the covers, and hope prince charming won't find me for the next million years.

A Tired Blogger

2004-10-29T10:42:00.000+08:00

there are worse things in life than being me... don't hold your breath, it's nothing philosophical. i'm just saying that, whenever i feel that my life is shit, i should stop and think about how life must be like for someone else.

we whine and we bitch and we wish we were somewhere other than where we are, but if we would just shut up for a minute, we'd understand that life can't be so bad if we have a roof over our house, food on the table, clothes on our backs, and people who love us. on top of that, a lot of us can afford to go to the store and not have to think about that extra pack of candy we picked up, just because we had a sudden craving for sugar! we've got it made, if you would let yourself think it.

i'll admit that i've been really selfish lately. i've been thinking about myself and how much i hate my life because of where i am and where i'm heading, and i forget to look to my bf and think how much he means to me and how much i love him and he loves me. i forget to ask him how his day was and how he was feeling as he's sitting in front of his computer trying to forget the world. i forget to support him when he's feeling stressed, and to see how i can lighten his load by doing little things for him.

we're selfish creatures, humans. i don't remember how it came to that, but we are. the miracles are the single parents who work two jobs to get their kids through school; or the people who sacrifice their dreams to support their family; or the ones who give up their christmas gifts so someone else can have a happy christmas... how many people do you know (personally) who do that? if you know someone, you should not only pat the person on the back, you should support them and help them. maybe you could've cooked an extra portion so the tired parent doesn't have to worry what her/his kids might have for dinner that night. and maybe instead of giving two presents to your nephew this year, why not give one of them to the kid who won't have any...

Time Machine

2004-10-25T09:44:00.000+08:00

if you were to go back in time as the younger you to relive your life (knowing what you know now), what would you have done differently? my bf put that cliche question to himself and me, and i could think of several things i would've done differently. but the true question is this, "if you were to go back in time as the younger you to relive your life (knowing what you know now), what would you have done differently... and would you be ready to accept the consequences?".

cuz that's the whole point isn't it? if you change a decision you made, knowing what may or may not happen if you do, would you be ready to perhaps lead a life different from the one you're currently leading? that theme has been done many times over, most recently in "suddenly 30" where jennifer garder actually gets to see what happens to her as an adult if she does the things she supposedly will do. the thing is, no one gets to go back to change their life starting from the point they turn 13! if i had that chance, god knows WHAT i would've done! for starters, i'd probably dress better!

the age old response is yes, we've all made mistakes. if we had a chance, we probably would never have made it in the first place. but we can't never make it, can we. we made the decision to do something, and we can't just go, "oh shit, i shouldn't have done that. better jump into my trusty time machine and do it differently". the day someone actually puts the notion of time travelling into a palpable form, trust me, i'd be first in line with all my money for a ride back in time. i get first dibs!!!

in the case of my inability to go back and change what happens to me and some other people i know (or knew), all there is left to do is to acknowledge the mistakes i've made, know that it was probably gonna be one way or another, learn from it, and move on. isn't that what the wisemen or the 21st century always tell you? the message is everywhere! you get it from your parents, your friends, your bf/gf/partner whatever, self-help books, they'll all tell you that by dwelling on the mistakes you've made in the past will not be beneficial or constructive to your future. it's a losing battle, you simply CAN'T take anything back! the best you can do is to apologize to those you've wronged, or forgive yourself for having made what you've perceived as a flat-out bad decision, regain your friendship with your conscience, and live more conscientiously. you took risks when you made those pivotal decisions in your life, and you'll continue to take more risks as you grow older. but you have to remember that you wouldn't the person you are today had you not made those decisions and then understood that they were "bad". where there is good, there must be evil. neither concepts may exist without the other. that's life. deal with it.

Losin' It

2004-10-12T19:28:00.000+08:00

i'm losing it all... i'm losing the weight i want gone, i'm losing that half-assed attitude i seem to be harboring these days, and i'm definitely losing this person i seem to have become (the one i don't like).

i figured, what the heck, you make your life out to be either good or bad through your view of life. it's true, you wear beer-goggles all your life, it can be a rude shock when you wake up the next morning with a suspicious head of hair sleeping beside you... snoring. it's the same if you keep seeing life as a pain in the ass. if you give life a chance, it might scare you. changing your view about life is everything, it's the root of most problems you face everyday... i know it's true for me at least.

honestly? i don't really believe that life is all peachy. but rather than let it get to me, i should really try taking a deep breath, and just deal with it, then let it go. i know i should've learnt it a long time ago, but i really have to have it down pat if i'm to survive the next decade or so. so maybe i need to put up a huge banner over my bed, its sole purpose: "breathe, deal, and go". maybe it wouldn't be so bad... maybe.

it's all baby steps. you can't expect to make the giant leaps across a canyon when you can't even step over the puddle. it's the fundamental principle that rules us, we have to start out small in order to become big. in my case, i have to get back to being small; the image of a sumo restler trying to shrink down to the size of a ballerina. a huge tackle ahead, but one that can be conquered. it'll be a while before i get to where i want to be, but i will get there eventually. the key word being "eventually". i'll have to make a schedule and a time limit for this goal of mine. first off, i think i'll have to go back to being vegetarian and promote animal friendly products. next, i'll solve world hunger and promote universal peace and harmony.... okay, i'll just settle for going vegetarian and trying to solve world hunger.

Left Behind

2004-09-17T16:59:00.000+08:00

don't you sometimes wish you never had to do some of the things you do to get ahead of this demanding world of ours? i wish i never had to go through so much studying and late nights to get a degree. there are better things to think about and worry yourself sick over than a whole bunch of exams and papers that don't really tell anyone much about the kind of person you are. for pete's sake, anyone who really believes that a piece of paper will increase their self-worth needs to talk to mr. kiyosaki!

well all have dreams about making it big in this world, to have to option of early retirement if they really wanted to or to be famous and glamorous (though they don't always go hand in hand). i admire people who have gotten themselves there before they get to old to enjoy the spoils of their sweat and hard work. i admire people who have that sense of motivation (internal or otherwise) to create an empire that helps themselves as well as the millions around them. i hate bill gates.

while all of the rich and famous are drinking champagne and tanning on their yatchs somewhere out in the mediterranean, i'm left here typing away my misery in my bleak little room in suburban perth. i took beginners' ballroom, wear high heels, drink wine (red white and burgundy), dress up in imitation tiffany's to remind myself what i ultimately see myself in my twenties.... i woman who owns the world. men wonder why we watch such movies as "the princess diaries" or "clueless" or "pretty woman" and others... they don't understand that every woman ultimately dreams of a fairy tale life (not ending, in the present time please) which includes the 100 acre walk-in wardrobe, the gorgeous self-afforded birthday presents from any store on 5th avenue, the adorable little red number in her 2-car garage at her beautiful venice mansion. maybe it's not every woman's dream, but i will bet you my life savings (if i had one to spare) that no woman would complain about it!

the hardest thing to accept is that i'm turning 23 soon, and i don't feel like i've accomplished much. sure, i've gone through some things in my life, but i still feel like i could've done more... much more.

In Bounds and Leaps

2004-09-07T11:42:00.000+08:00

there are a great many things that we should concern ourselves with, whether they may be important things like moving into a different country for work/love, or whether that piece of sinfully sweet chocolate cake is gonna give you an extra roll (somewhere) in the morning. but then again, i must remind myself of a very wise quote from an otherwise comedic actor, "i learned that worrying is like being in a rocking chair; gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere. write that down" (van wilder, from the movie).

it's true; worrying never gets us anywhere productive. we keep thinking and pondering only to end up where we started from. but on the other hand, if we don't give things a little bit of thought, we could end up regretting every other decision we ever made in the spur of the moment. no, i'm not talking about the cake, i'm talking about the moving bit. i have to move in less than a year, and i don't know where i'm going.

i'm scared shitless when things are beyond my control. i am, somewhat, a control freak. despite the fact that i prefer rocky road to smooth caramel, i do need to be in some form of control of myself, if not my situation. right now, the situation is this: i'm graduating, and i have to leave this country (a little by choice and by order of the immigration commission). the problem with moving is that i'll be leaving a person i love very dearly, whom i don't want to immagine my life without. it saddens me, but what else am i to do. no, i'm not marrying just so i can stay in the country (although having a PR status in australia isn't an entirely bad thing). the thought has been constantly giving me palpitations and the occassional light-headedness.

anyone who's thinking in the back of their minds (or otherwise talking to the screen in front of you), "but there's always the choice of staying in the relationship long-distance!", trust me, i've already considered that prospect. it's a romantic notion, not always practical, though hopeful. we both have our lives to live, his in australia, and mine in.... god knows where.

i'm not about to ask him to move with me, and i'm not about to stay so far away from the family, food, and cheap shopping that i love so much. someone had already told me that i have to consider the fact that i will eventually have a family of my own, and i must remind myself that it will be a great opportunity for them if i stayed in australia that is, in his opinion, one of the best countries to live in. i'm not arguing that it's a bad idea, but i'm only 22. maybe if i were from a different generation i would think that it's old; but too bad, i'm from my own little world where 22 still holds a thousand dreams, opportunities, and options. mom had once told me that i have feet that travel, that i won't settle down in one place too soon. i didn't say person, i said place. those who know me well know that i don't date out of convenience, or out of fun (although dating can be fun), or just so i can "experience it all". i'm a romantic, i date for keeps. those same people also know that i love to be broad-minded and move around.

as cliche as it is to say that it feels like i was just 16 yesterday, i'm saying it anyway. physically i'm an "old crone" putting fifty different creams on my external and flooding my internal with youth-inducing pills to avoid looking 22 (i don't get carded at bars anymore, it's sad). however, having said all that, i'm emotionally and mentally stuck somewhere between 16 and 18. i still eat like i won't gain a pound, dance in my jammies while i'm vacuuming, lip-sinc to avril lavigne and weezer when i think no-one's watching, baby-talk my cat and whine to my parents. hel-lo??? can i get anymore juvenille???

i don't like adulthood. sure, there're all the perks of being able to purchase alcohol, cigarettes, porn and condoms without putting people into shock (not that i buy cigarettes and porn, mind you); but don't you miss being a kid? i can't walk into a mall without running into the after-school mob of teeny-boppers wearing their older-sisters' clothes and shoes, and feel disappointed that they don't know what they're missing out when they're playing "grown-up". i lived up my childhood, why won't they! you're only a teen once, and then there's being 20, 30, 40.... ugh. you can't turn back the clock like that. ask anyone in my age group and they'll tell you that they're already trying to ignore father time banging on their doors with his bag of wrinkles, age-induced constipation, white hair, saggy butts and flabby arms. merry gym and/or diet-obsessing and a happy life-long trip to the plastic surgeon!

all in all, kids should be glad that they have the option of dressing like they're 20 without having to sign the proverbial contract to take on the responsibilities, and mental and emotional torture of that age range. suddenly, being 22 seems like a chore.

Blogger's Paradise

2004-08-09T23:43:00.000+08:00

there are certain things that a woman needs, one of them being a place where she can go on and on about a boring topic without being cut off by some self-righteous asshole telling you to get over it. some people just don't understand that need to rant, but luckily, i'm not one of them.

i love ranting. in fact, it could be said that it's one of the most satisfying past-times i've ever experienced. it reduces stress, it calms you down, it helps you think a bit more clearly (afterwards, of course). what more could a girl want? ranting is the next best thing to chocolates and oil massages.

why can't some people (majority of them being male) see the benefits of having a good rant? some people like to keep their opinions to themselves, but a woman like me just can't sometimes. i HAVE to get it out in the open, preferably to a close female friend, or even an unwilling boyfriend would do. it's impolite to say no, you know. there's no escaping a woman with something on her mind that's bothering her to kingdom come. it's either blurt or bust. it's not to say that we're not reliable when it comes to secrets, it's just saying that sometimes it helps to think out loud to a sounding board. a friend who is willing to listen to me and my hand gestures for an hour is a good friend indeed. how many willing friends can you name?

men need to understand that not all women are like them. in fact, i can say that almost none are. women don't have caves (quoting doc john gray), women need to let it out and not bottle it in. men don't talk about things that bother them... they prefer to withdraw into themselves and think it over and over until they feel they have it all sorted out. but women can't do that most of the time... we need to think outloud, even if it's to a mirror. don't blame your girlfriend or your wife when she's ranting to herself while she's in the shower (so loudly that you're neighbor told you to turn down the tv), or when she has her girlfriends over to a three-hour coffee and cake while you're trying to watch sunday sports. it's her way of coping. she needs to talk to a friend when she has something on her mind. may i make a suggestion? give her your credit card and send her and her sister/best friend off to a day spa. seriously. she'll be so relaxed that she won't feel like talking very much at all. and where there's no talking, there's serenity. isn't that what we all want?

Switchin' it off

2004-08-08T18:24:00.000+08:00

there're a lot of things in life that require some form of self-control: food, exercise, the net... but the main thing i think a lot of us have absolutely no desire to control, is emotional expression. we don't really wanna repress our hugs just because it's a social no-no (especially when that person's committed to a relationship), or blow up in a god-awful driver's face (for that attractive hole he/she made on the passenger side), or sob in a movie theater during previews (hey, the dad could've stayed home with his family instead of flying off to some business meeting). however, in some special cases where there has been a transition - where instead of blowing up when you're angry, you cry - there really is little or no control.

there comes an age in every person's life when we stop experiencing teenage angst, and become sobbing idiots instead whenever we feel like bashing someone with a pillowcase (reinforced, of course) full of bricks. i'm talking about when we should be standing up for ourselves, talking back at the boss, finally putting our foot down on the plumber who was due to fix the toilet three weeks ago, and getting angry for something or someone who deserves to feel the heat a tad. i don't know about you, but i hit that stage at 17 (kinda early, but yeah).

so why do we feel the need to switch off that button that allows us to be the emotional hothead? because we don't feel like fighting anymore for our rights and what we want? no... cuz we just don't wanna fight, period. we learn, eventually, that when someone yells at you, and you yell back, it's just gonna spark off another set of yelling matches. we're sick of the spit coming out of those heartless black holes. so instead of enduring a whole hour of spit, we only endure a few minutes. let them yell till they're blue in the face (pardon the cliche), smile (or grimace) and walk away with the satisfying thought that most people yell and scream because they're simply not evolutionarily advanced enough to articulate their thoughts in a coherent and civilized manner. when they pick fights, it's because they have something to prove... usually to themselves. but still, that logic doesn't feel as good as it should. i wouldn't mind being able to come back with a biting remark of my own (without the yelling and screaming of course), or something ingenious and sarcastic to boggle the mind of the Neanderthal with the black hole.

The Jetplane

2004-08-07T13:21:00.000+08:00

it's true sometimes that when we watch someone get on a plane, we fear that we might never see them again. i credit those fears to the horrific song "leaving on a jetplane", and the fact that the person who sang it actually never landed alive. that, and the era of plane crash movies supplied by hollywood during a century in which we depend on 747's to get us from A to B. who in their right minds would ever fly again?

just this week, i had to watch my parents and youngest brother go through customs and get on a plane headed for home. it was agony. as soon as we got to the airport, that song played in my head. as unreligious as i am, i instinctively called on god to take them home safely. they got home safe, but my fear of planes crashing is still uneased. is the fear of crashing in a monster of a machine spiralling thousands of meters down towards the grounds at hundreds of kilometers per hour... unrealistic? perhaps. we're more likely to be killed by bulls than to crash in a plane, and that's a fact. so why am i so scared everytime i get near the airport? i'm telling you... it's that damn song!

it's not just a common fear of flying... it's a fear that causes you to lose sleep and your appetitite (and everyone who knows me knows i LOVE food), your hair starts to drop off at an even more alarming rate (school stress started it first), your cat hisses at a zombie pacing up and down the hallway, and you end up rocking yourself back and forth sitting cross-legged on your bed, mumbling, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home" over and over again. granted, that's an exaggeration, but i must emphasize it nonetheless. it's not madness. it's a strain of stress that evolved over the years to turn a normal human being with all the normal stresses into the living dead with abnormal blips on the heartrate monitor. am i obsessed? absolutely not. but i should sue anyone who is still re-recording that damn song and selling it to the flight-loving community. that's all i have to say.

Excavation

2004-07-16T09:01:00.000+08:00

there are certain things you don't really expect yourself to do when you're on a break... one of them is to dig up certain things from your mind and from that deep emotional core you work so hard to suppress most of the time. you know what i dug up this time around? my weaknesses. of all the things i had to bring up, that is the worst of them all at this point in time. why? because i'm nearing the completion of my educational sentence, on the eve of launching a shaky though potentially fulfilling career (when i find one, i'll tell you), and i'm nearing my 23rd as we speak.

understand that i don't believe that it's "bad" to have weaknesses. they're what makes us human and gives us a soul at times. knowing that we're not indestructable is what creates harmony in this world... where one is weak, another is strong, thus, making us dependent on everyone else to survive. if one were to think otherwise, one is foolish. but we're getting off to another point... the point is, i found out my weaknesses, and i couldn't have chosen a worse possible time to do so. who wants to know that they're not as confident as they would like to think themselves to be when they're about to lose grasp on what is familiar and comforting? to be propelled into chaos when they haven't got a clue how to handle it just to keep sane (does anyone ever)? confidence, or the lack of, is my weakness.

women could not be the weaker sex... if we were, where would men be? my friend tells me, "off the food chain", which wouldn't be too far off from the truth. sexist, yes, absolutely. we shall debate the power of the sexes some other day... today, i'm blogging.

confidence is something you build up... some people may seem to have it naturally, but if you ask them, they would tell you that it's because they were brought up to be so. so either way, it's something you're not born with. that's like saying i was born with happiness. confidence, like happiness, is a state. state of what, i can't say, but a state nonetheless. sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't... and the worse thing is that you don't usually have it when you really need it the most (in my case, anyway). here i am, about to get thrown out of my comfort zone, having to start my life in a way i'm not sure of, and i'm growing older (often that renders new situations a little harder to cope). all this while, i have a waning sense of assuredness in myself and who i am, in my ability to make those hard decisions, and how i'm supposed to follow my "calling" and still fulfill my responsibilities towards my family and myself. it's not easy, and it's hard to feel understood when i'm trying to explain it... especially to my parents.

does everything have to come the hard way? often times it's better, sometimes not. i would consider myself one of the lucky few that have what i have... but it never seems enough at times. it's all about being thankful, about remembering what you do have that others don't and not being a pompous brat about whatever you don't have. i AM thankful that i have a high school education and am almost completing my tertiary; i AM thankful that i have a full fridge and pantry, survivor cooking skills, and the occasional splurg-ability; i AM thankful that i have people in my life who love and care about and for me... what i am NOT thankful for is my ability to go from spotlight hog to cowering wallflower. since when was i this scared to live? i can't be a coward right now, i can't afford it. there's no life analyzing every risk of everything you do or say. there's always room for a little risk, and a little corner for caution. there's a reason why they have a term "calculated risk". that's the kind of risk i need to be taking more often instead of not taking anything risk at all.

Sloth

2004-07-09T09:48:00.000+08:00

there's no room for boredome, there isn't even room for thoughts. there's always that need to be doing something before you go out of your mind sitting in front of the tv rotting away. life's too short, why the hell won't people get off their asses and go live or something.

i'm on vacation,but that doesn't mean my mind is. it doesn't mean that my life should be. it's always "rush rush rush", it's tiring. maybe life should be just one big anti-vacationing period, that way, we'd be literally living our lives to the fullest... i'm tired, damn it. but i feel like i should be doing something. life's too short, i should get off my ass and off this damn screen.

how many weeks do we have left? dunno... too short either way. have to do something, but don't wanna do anything.... life is so paradoxical. that's such a cliché. and THAT'S such a cliché in itself.... rambling on and on aren't i. ugh.

Keeping the Faith

2004-06-17T17:54:00.000+08:00

Two ladies came to my door one day, looking for my housemate but found me at home instead. They were "witnesses of God", here to spread the "truth" and set the wayward soul back on the straight and narrow. Why is it that they always seem so suspicious to me, and why do I feel so wary of what they might have to say?

Granted, it's nothing that I haven't encountered; it's not a new experience, and I have no new questions about life, love, hope, and "God"... I still find it hard to truly open my heart to "God" again. If it is a conversion of religion and beliefs they offer, "No thanks; been there, done that. Now what else do you have?"

I truly believed that my experiences back in my Christian high school were good, and I still do. But good as they were, I also believe now that our faithful teachers left out one of the most important lessons that is essential to our everyday life outside the campus walls: how to apply our knowledge and our faith effectively. By sheltering us from what is "the world", we never had a chance to really practice what is preached/taught to us. Yes, we know about putting our faith in God in times of hardship and conviction, but where was "God" when I was alone in a foreign country during the time my friends died in a car accident, and there was nothing I could do to stop anything? I...FELT...NOTHING.

There was no calm in knowing that the boys were off to a better place; no hope in understanding that "good-bye" is not forever; no comfort in the claims that I'm not alone; and no easing of my pain when I poured through Bible verses, songs and prayers taught to me. Where was "God"? In the church? In my heart? In the hearts of the people at the church? No. In my head.

For the many years i'd truly believed that I knew and felt "God" in my heart and in my life, it was all in the mind and not really in my soul. My faith shattered when I'd started to feel alone, without my "eternal Father, Son, and Holy Spirit". What had my Christian teachings leave me? They left me with verses, songs, countless memories that I have no doubt will cherish the rest of my life. The thing is, my heart was bleeding itself to death, and the bandaids was too small, too faulty, and too few. I'd tried to be strong, I'd tried to seek "God's" comfort, but I couldn't find Him. I got angry. The single paif or footprints were mine, not His.

Forget all those times when I'd found out that our teachers were being sacked for not living a completely Christian life... Forget all those times when some teachers showed less than the basci goodness of humor, fun, and professionalism when they criticized students for "childish and stupid" ideas. Those were minor compared to the overall resentment and confusion those things instilled in us. We were taught to have a sense of acceptance and understanding of differences, of things that "God" may not like but exists. The sin is about being unlike Jesus, not in being human. The thing is, aren't we the imperfect judging the other imperfects? Who are we to say that "we accept you for who you are"? Who are we to say that someone ought to be taught a lesson because of what they have done? Who are we to ponder upon whether someone's going to hell for not following the "right" religion? Who are we to forgive others???

It's not about being disappointed, it's about being hurt. All those years they tried to protect us, but in the end, they actions hurt us. It's only human and I don't really know if it's all their fault anyway. It's just that the feeling is there, and it's never good.

"What does God require of us?" Good question. "Death onto our old selves and the world's ways"? We are required to be rid of the who we are and start living like Christ, and to be devoid of worldly desires. How do we become anything other than ourselves? Maybe not what we are, but just human? "God" may bring out the "better" side of us, but our sin will always be there. Our sin lies in the fact that we were even born to this earth.

There's so much pain and anger everytime I think of all the things my friends could have done if they were still alive. After four years, I still cry for them and feel like screaming when I remember that I can't hug them or hear them speak, or forget the sounds of their laughs. I distinctly remember that, when I hugged them for the last time, I somehow had a feeling that I wouldn't be seeing them for a while. I didn't know why then, but now that I do, it doesn't bring much comfort.

While I don't dwell on them being gone, their not being here reminds me of what I'd never learned to do.... Grow stronger.

Beginnings

2004-05-21T08:35:00.000+08:00

"Genesis". When God created the heavens and the earth, man, woman and beast.... when God cursed us to live, damned us if we died by our own hands or that of another. Why was there a beginning? Why make man and woman if He knew they were to propagate and will us their curse. The curse should have ended with them; why make all of mankind suffer? Why make me suffer?

Beginnings are overrated. They start, they exist, they stop. Doesn't sound like much of a good thing, really. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", what cliche. Optimistic, yes... Logical, no. Hopeful? Hell no. To have something only to know that you'll ultimately lose it in the end, by choice or fate, you will lose. Like I said, why suffer.

Wanna know why? Because we're idiots. We tell ourselves, "but you have to love, what else would you do while you're alive?" How about get rich, travel the world, solve world hunger and bring about order to society? I would mention promote world peace, but that would be cutting my legs out from under me. Can we live without love? No. Should we? Maybe. Gray areas are always a problem. But back to the subject... Why do we love? Why be with someone, adore them, fall in love with them, make love to them, give them gifts and compliments and all the little things that consitute a false impression of what romance is when we usually end up deflated, angry, and in ridiculously vast amounts of pain? Don't give me that, "because God is a loving being" shit. He made us to choose, didn't He? Why can't we choose to be without love, without romance, fantasies, adventures, the Grand Canyon or beaches or sunsets or morning dew? Because He also made the world a place for the underserving; he made hell in our beds.

Are we to be grateful to be living at all? Maybe. But if we were to be grateful, why do so many of us each year wish to forgo life for death? Because we're not grateful. We're pissed off. We're slowly demoralizing ourselves and falling into death. Morbid, perhaps, but think about it... Who's going to heaven? The priest who prayed and lived a life of "abstinence" and always asking for forgiveness? The woman who saved a country but betrayed her own brother? The child who stole bread to feed his little sister/brother? The man who ruled a government with wisdom but cheated on his wife? Who's going to heaven? Is it no wonder that all religions or "ways of life" at conflict sometimes? Because who of us is good enough for life or death? Who of us lives? We know who began, but who ends?